im-just-me.net

Where do I begin?

David’s staying in the Navy. He wasn’t able to land a job in the time frame we gave ourselves so we decided he would reenlist. He did that on Friday. It is kind of nice just to know our future, but it does suck because he’s going to San Diego in April and we’ll have to deal with the deployments. I’ll stay here until probably June 1st. It’s a bit tricky because we have to get the house ready to be rented out and hopefully someone will want to rent it in that time frame. Yeah we weren’t thinking of the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to find a job when we bought this place 2 years ago.

There are perks to him staying in though. You should have seen the happy dance I did when I found out he will get a bonus. We got screwed last reenlistment and he didn’t get a bonus. And we almost got screwed again with this one. They told him they may reject it because it wasn’t that much time between the paperwork and the reenlistment. But it got approved! Oh my god I was so happy. This makes things so easier for us. Without that bonus I don’t know how long it would be before I would be able to move too, we depend too much on my income.

So now I can start planning life again. I am a big planner you see. I thought I had everything figured out and when he coudln’t find a job I was going crazy not having a plan. I do have to admit the current plan is a much better financial plan, thanks bonus!

So that’s all for now. I’m kind of thinking about switching to blogger or something because I’m tired of paying for a site that I rarely use even if it dirt cheap. I’ll let ya know if I switch though, haha if anyone still reads this.

I haven’t updated in forever, again.

Nothing new is really happening. We’re still going through this fertility crap, which I’m getting very tired of. I’m giving myself the injections. This is my third round. The first one got canceled after over 2 weeks and the first got canceled after one. I was kind of pissed about the second being canceled. My doctor had told me that she wanted to go slow and the doctor who canceled me wasn’t my doctor, but was the one who was on call. I figured they practiced the same so whatever. Well the other day when I went in I saw on my chart in red letters to not let the other doctor make decisions about my dosing. I’m kind of glad they noticed without me having to say anything, but it also pisses me off that I wasted that month of medication. Bitches.

Other than that bullshit life is ok. I think with all of this stuff my hormones are out of whack. I fall into a slump sometimes wanting a new life and then wake up the next day perfectly fine with where I am. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me there! Hormones would be my favorite explanation! A vacation from life would be nice, but I don’t see that happening any time soon.

I am going back home for Thanksgiving, that’s something to look forward to. I don’t think I’ve been since January.. Damn having a job! I remember in San Diego I went home all the damn time. Just a 4.5 hour car ride and I’m there!

There are also more stressors in life that I’ll get to later. I’ll leave you with these few for now.

So it’s about time I updated right? A lot has been going on, but not at the same time. I tried another fertility drug, femara, that did not work. Right now I’m on the injections which so far we haven’t really seen anything going on. I’ve only been doing the injections for almost a week and she’s starting me slow so I’m not too discouraged yet. The only thing that sucks is I have to go in for ultrasounds and bloodwork about 2 times a week. I’m lucky to have people at work not giving me shit for leaving work, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

Work has been stressing me out lately. I’m just over working I think. David needs to get a good job so I don’t have to! I find myself bringing home work in my head. I worry about things that I totally shouldn’t. There’s also sometimes drama that drives me crazy. People just need to relax! I’m not going to go into detail because, well it’s work.

Other than work and trying to make my ovaries grow eggs there’s not much else going on. My mom and sister did come to visit last weekend for my birthday. That was fun. I wish we lived closer because I’m getting tired of missing out on everything in my family. I can’t go to the birthdays and get togethers. It just sucks. Hopefully someday we’ll be able to move back out there. Oh hell, maybe they should move out here!

Time to go, I’ll keep updating about the injections. I promise

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me!! All this week I’ve had a hard time falling asleep. It’s like my mind just won’t relax.

I’m trying to write some things down here tonight to see if it helps. I’ve been lying in bed for atleast 45 minutes now with no luck. I swear i jinxed it a couple weeks ago thinking about how I haven’t had that hard of time lately.

It could be stress too. I’ve been stressing lately about life after the military and what if we decide he should re-enlist. Those bonuses sure to make it tempting. Right now we’re preparing for him to get out. His out day is Feb 2nd i believe, which will be here before we know it! He still needs to work on his resume and starting putting it out for government jobs. He was told by a few people to start really early with those jobs because sometimes you don’t hear from them in about 6 months. I’d like him to do a contractor job because they make more money in the long run and that’s what we need now! Speaking of money another stresser in my life! We’re stretched pretty thin right now. We do have plenty in savings, but i like to pretend that it’s not there so it can stay savings. I’ve been taking a class so maybe I can earn some extra money in a few months when I’m done with that. I’d eventually like to be able to stay home and take care of some kiddos, but that’s not happening right now!

I’m also bring work home more than I used to. Not in the sense of actual work, but thinking about it and stressing about it while I’m at home. I used to be able to just leave it there. I don’t know what’s happening with my brain! Wouldn’t be nice if you could just have an on off switch during the night?

Well, I think I’ll give it another try. Writing has kind of helped as I can feel my eyes getting heavy. Or it could be the benadryl that I took! See ya soon!

So, things aren’t going that well. I’ve done two rounds of clomid and nada has happened. My doctor is now referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist. It just kind of sucks because it’s sinking in more that I may not be able to have kids. I kind of researched adoption a bit the other night. Mostly google type of stuff seeing about cost and what not. We’ll see though. I could respond well to whatever this other doctor will want to do. My poor little ovaries can’t handle making eggs I guess. It sucks too because this other doctor can’t get me in until June 3rd. I think June sounds further away than it really is. It’s just one month so it should be ok. The kind of sad part is I was hoping to get knocked up in enough time that when I have the baby we would still have Tricare as our insurance so we’d have very little out of pocket. With the insurance I can get through work I have a $500 copay and then 20% of all charges from the hospital. Those can add up!! It’ll be ok though.

I’m also stressing about David finding a job. I can pretty much say he’s one of the laziest people on the planet. He still hasn’t done a resume and he was told by a lot of people that he should start sending it out for government jobs now. But he’s a lazy mother fucker and can’t get his shit together. It’s amazing he’s survived this far in life. His out date is February 2009, but he can go on terminal leave in December. That would be nice because if he can get a job starting then he’ll be making two salaries for a couple months. I just want him to get his shit together. We’ve had talks where I tell him how important it is and that it’s just not him he has to worry about, it’s me and a possible child. He acts like he’ll do it, but never does. I swear writing about it is pissing me off even more!

I don’t think there’s much more other news. Work is going well, so that’s good. I’m so glad I like my job. If I worked with any other people I would hate it. The people who come in are amazing in the fact that they feel like they’re God’s gift and the world revolves around them. You’d be surprised the kind of shit we hear and have to deal with. Oh geez, and if you could hear the voice mails!

Well, I’m off to be lazy and watch TV!

It’s almost been a year since our friend Adam passed away.

It doesn’t seem that long ago, but it also feels like I haven’t seen him in forever. The part that makes me the most sad is that we still don’t know what happened really. It’s a little easier to deal with, mostly because of time gone by. I just want answers and I don’t think I’ll ever get them. Everything just seems strange about it all. I hate to be one of those people who are all about conspiracies, but when something like this happens you have to wonder. But then I sit here and think maybe he could have done that. Is that because that’s what I’ve been told for so long? My first reaction was, “no way!” I could never imagine him doing that. Do I trust my first reaction?

Something that did come out of this is David deciding to get out of the military. We were thinking about it, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. All the issues with his family getting his belongings and answers. David getting in trouble for trying to help them out. It was all bullshit and made me get a real look on how the military works. They don’t care. That’s basically it in a nutshell. They don’t give a fuck about you or what happens to you. And I’m so glad I’m a civilian and I can say that and not get my ass into trouble.

So we started our first round of clomid mid February. Yeah, it didn’t work. They had me come in on day 11 to see if I had a follicle and to check how thick my lining was. No follicle and really thin lining. They said they would like it at 10mm and mine was 4mm.

So now we get to up my dose on my next cycle. It just sucks that it didn’t work at all. I would feel better if I atleast had one of the two things they were looking for! I need to call the office because I’m not sure what to do if I don’t get a period. I have refills on the provera they gave me to start my period before. Do I take that if I don’t get my period after a certain amount of days? I have no clue! I’m not a patient girl and this is driving me crazy! It’d be nice to have something work right in my body.

So that’s the update on the baby trying business. I can say I am tired of having sex on a regular basis lol.. And the fact that even if he ticks me off he gets some!

Everything else in life is going ok. Work is alright. I’m getting tired of it, but that’s the usual for me. There always has to be drama somewhere!

Well, that’s all for now. Here’s to next month!

I do have to admit my last post was probably fueled on emotion and a bit of PMS. None the less I should have been mad, just maybe not as mad as I was.

We’ve talked about how he needs to think more of my feelings rather than just himself. I’m tired of this only child crap. We were raised two totally different ways and I think that comes out in our relationship more often than I’d like.

Onto other news, we’re trying to have a baby. Too bad that huge fight had to come right in the middle of it and make me rethink things! I think we’re finally on the same page, hopefully, and back on the baby track.

I went to the obgyn for my annual and we got a plan into effect to get my knocked up. I stopped my birth control in November to see if I could just try this on my own rather than having to do all the doctor crap. Well, by January I still hadn’t had a period. The doctor put me on provera and had me have a dildo ultrasound. That was… interesting. haha. She then wanted me to call in when I started my period so they could put me on clomid. So I finally started it on Tuesday, yesterday, and called the office. I left a message at 9am and didn’t hear anything all day. I think, ok, I work in an office and know how busy it gets. I give them until after lunch today to call me back and of course they don’t so I call and leave another message. No call today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. It’s just frustrating when I have to get the medication on a certain day. If it wasn’t messing with the plan I have in my head I wouldn’t be so ticked about it. I can’t remember if she said I take it on day 3 or 5, but if it’s day 3 I have to take it tomorrow! Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow. If not I’ll have to be like the patients that drive me crazy and call the front desk. But come on people, do your job! It’s not that hard, I know it says the plan in my chart.

Other news is that I’m going to take a transcription class. I was trying to think of a way to make money and stay at home. A girl I work with does transcription and her mom owns the company. I don’t know if I want to use that connection or not. I’ll see how the school goes with helping me find something and then go from there. I’m just trying to plan things out so we’re not super broke when I’m on maternity leave and if I can’t bring myself to go back to work. Plus the unknown of David getting out of the military.

Anyway, I better get to bed, I slept like shit last night and can feel my eyes get heavy. I’ll be back soon!

I guess that question should be, why is my guy so stupid?

Of course when I finally come to write is when I’m pissed right? Of course!

I’m just getting tired of the daily bullshit of our lives. The constant bickering about stupid stuff, just him getting on my last freaking nerve! Lets start the story shall we?

So I got my wisdom teeth pulled Friday morning. That sucked by the way. He was good at first with helping me with things. He got my pain pills and went to get my movies and whatnot. I guess he got tired of it after one day though. I was in the kitchen with swollen cheeks probably trying to eat some pudding when I asked him to put a new bag into the trash can. No big deal right? I sure didn’t think so. Then he yells from his recliner, “You have two hands!” I just sat there for a minute hoping it was a joke. Then he goes on about how he’s tired of me telling him to do things when I should just do them myself. I then explained how I would then be doing everything! He’s not the type to know hey, that dish looks dirty, lets wash it! No way. I’m surprised he remembers to wipe his own ass honestly.

So after the little tiff I got upset because I of course feel like shit and am hopped up on pain meds and begin to cry. I hear him let out a big sigh and that pissed me off more! Sorry you made me cry asshole! So I then told him to go away and he went upstairs for a few hours. After that I refused to ask him for any help. Which kind of sucked, but I wasn’t going to give in to the fucker.

To cut the story a bit short I finally said something to him about how that was all messed up and bad timing for him to say shit like that. He of course like usual couldn’t apologize until told I’m mad that he didn’t. That to me is a fake apology. In my eyes he should have said he was sorry as soon as he made me cry, and if not that as soon as he cooled off from being upstairs. I don’t know what is wrong in that brain of his. It’s like he has no sympathy for others at all.

So I eventually got over it in my head, you know swept it under the rug. Well a dust bunny pulled it out tonight. But of course he couldn’t talk about it because it was 9:00 and he had to go to bed! Well, that made me even more mad that he couldn’t atleast humor me and be like, yeah i know that was messed up the other day, I’m sorry. He just sat there and didn’t say a word. It’s like to him he doesn’t think he did anything wrong!

So now I’m sitting here in the spare bedroom wanting to go into my bed, but too freaking pissed off to lie down next to him. I’m just over how he’s so emotionless and has no sense of someone elses emotions. He acts like he doesn’t know what to say or do. Shit, watch a movie and learn how to apologize!!

I was thinking writing in here would help me but it’s just making me mad again.. Nice!

Today I’m home sick from work. I have some sort of stomach bug, which totally sucks.

Not a lot going on with me otherwise. Life is pretty much just a routine right now. Work, eat, and sleep. Work is going good. I am falling into my phase of not wanting to work. I just have to remind myself that when I don’t work I wish I did, plus there’s no way we could afford me not to!

We’re exploring the kid idea again. It’s pretty much waiting on what’s going to happen with Dave career wise. I don’t want to have a baby and then be broke while he tries to find a job. Or be pregnant and have to move across country for any job. I was freaking out for a while about him being able to find something. It’s just scary not knowing what’s going to happen and if we’ll be able to afford the mortgage and whatnot. I think it will be ok though. There is a chance we would have to move, but it will be ok. Him being out of the military will be worth it for me. I don’t want to have to worry about yucky deployments and all the bullshit he has to deal with. I think when our friend died is when I lost that feeling of the military being ok. I don’t even know if his mom has received the autopsy report yet.. It’s been almost 7 months now.

I’m excited about being able to decorate our house for Christmas. It’s going to be so nice having enough room to have a tree and not have everything crammed together! I’m really happy that we decided to go ahead and buy a house. And I love having a basement for storage! The only shitty thing is that it’s expensive. We got tile put in this weekend. That wasn’t cheap, but I’m so glad that ugly white linoleum is gone. I now have my pretty tile. We still need to do the upstairs, we’re just too lazy. I hate painting and the pain in the ass it is to set and clean up. We’ll get it done eventually.. I hope!

I will be visiting home for the holidays. I was going to go the week before Christmas, but my mom isn’t going to be off until the week of and after. I’ll be there from December 28th until January 5th. I’ll be going by myself this time, which kind of sucks, but I think David likes having his time alone. Damn only child syndrome.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’ll try not to wait so long next time!!